I'm standing on the bridgeSo... I've decided it's time to make a conscious effort to take a little vacation (like a couple weeks) from all inebriating substances (not 1 drop/hit of alcohol/weed, etc.) I've found doing this to be very cleansing for the mind (oh, that sounded way too Zen). I've noticed my mood being kinda down for a while. I think your mind gets used to using the escapes of drugs (I include alcohol in that definition) to not deal with the stressors and anxieties that we face. And when you don't deal with them, they just fester and build up and create more anxiety. By taking a few weeks off from your escapes, you have fewer places to run and must confront your issues directly, imho.
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening, but there's no sound
Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
I've stayed in all week to make it easier, but tonight was my first night going out (to 1825 @ Rage). The clubs definitely aren't as much fun without one or two drinks to get a little tipsy and in the right space, but I didn't touch a drop (although I was sooo tempted)! Anyway, I was pretty melancholy, and felt a little weird. ...Not really in the mood to be there. But I hadn't been with my friends in over a week, and I really needed a little connection.
I'm looking for a placeThere were quite a few cute bois, although I wasn't much in the mood for flirting. Staying towards the end of the evening, I saw quite a few guys paired off and making out. I noticed myself really wanting someone to come up to me... to have someone to make out with in a corner with or freak on the dance floor, but I realized I just wasn't in the mood. There was really cute blonde boi who kept making eye contact with me, and we'd smile at each other repeatedly throughout the night. Of course neither of us would make a move. I would've given him my digits if weren't in a funk. As much as I sorta wanted to be with someone, I was looking more forward to going home alone to write in my journal. So here I am.
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know?
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone
Why is everything so confusing?I wish I knew what the source of my discontent is. Life's going pretty damn well. But something's missing though, and I think I have some demons to face... whatever they are. That's the funny thing about being gay: you don't really get to avoid your issues so much. You face them out of necessity, and you get to know yourself pretty damn well. In the end, we're stronger, I think.
Maybe I'm just out of my mind.
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm with you....
One final thought: I love Avril Levigne. I think she's unbelievably talented in a world of canned artists. I'm impressed that she's writes her own lyrics. This song is just surprisingly apropos tonight. It's even a damn cold night in L.A.