Nov. 15th, 2003
To a friend...  
::dusts off soapbox:: ::clears throat::

Welcome to West Hollywood. Let's talk about s-e-x, hmm?

I've wanted to write rant about this for a little while — or at least I've thought about it. After genuine concern from a friend of mine after learning a friend someone he knows basically called him a "slut", I figured this would be a good way to gather my thoughts to him. Now my beliefs here are based upon the Los Angeles (West Hollywood) gay scene, so your mileage may vary.

When I first moved from San Diego to L.A., it was exciting. Not so much because of the city, but because for the first time, free of my straight friends, I was going to be openly gay. I went to parties; I had fun as a n00b — mostly because I was unaware of the cattiness and bullshit that goes on. Yes, I was one of those guys who would make out with a guy at a party, blissfully unaware of the one or two people who were likely talking about me calling me a dirty whore. After all, why would I think such a thing? I almost exclusively hung out with straight friends back in SD, and that's certainly what they did at parties. Hell, the goal of many a frat party was to try to get shitty and go home with someone.

Over a bit of surprising conversations and time I learned that that gay guys are truly kind of assholes to one another. This gay "family" you hear about, well that's bullshit — unless of course you mean a dysfunctional, petty, bickering family that attacks everyone and everything constantly. Maybe that's what they meant?

From listening to the cattiness, you would swear that gay guys have the most unhealthy view of sex in the world, as if they'd just walked out of the Victorian Age (or from a meeting with the Pope).

Well, tighten up your chastity belts, friends, because I'm not done yet

Anyone who's taken social or adolescent psychology has probably studied the contrasting views of sexuality between males and females. Males tend to grow up with a more open view of sex; whereas females are brought up thinking that sexual thoughts are much more negative. We all know the stereotype, a [straight] guy who has lots of sex is a hero; a female who has lots of sex is a slut (the whole white wedding dress syndrome). I think gay guys suffer from this same problem. After all, we are brought up to think that our desires are wrong, dirty, and outright disgusting. We're sent messages throughout our lives that a male desiring another male is one of the worst things in the world. It's no wonder some gay guys have such distorted views of sexual desire.

These messages and beliefs come from a view that sex is for procreation only. Most educated people know this to be wrong. Animals are sexual beings, humans in particular. We are given these desires, not because they are naughty, but because they are healthy; they are natural. No wonder why American culture is so fucked up sometimes. No wonder Fred Phelps runs around protesting gay funerals; no wonder our President makes it a priority to relegate homosexuals to second class citizens: we're taught that one of our most basic desires is sinful. Because I grew up hearing the same messages, here's a fact, that I constantly have to remind myself of:

As long as you're safe, and no one is getting hurt, there is nothing wrong with having sex

But that doesn't solve one problem: it kind of hurts to hear your friends acquaintances spreading rumors about you. It helps to understand this need among other fags to talk shit. And, to my friend, here are the conclusions I've come to, from observation:

Gay boys will call you a slut out of projection and jealousy. They have the same desires you do, but seeing you act out on them is disturbing when they can't do the same things without guilt. It engenders intense feelings of jealousy but then anger — anger at themselves borne of their own envy and desires. Humans have a difficult time being angry at themselves, so you become the target. Simple case of projection. (I read the IMs you sent me, and I get the feeling from the conversations he was telling you about that it really didn't go as he made it sound. It sounded to me as if he was sending you a message, so he likely exaggerated a very light-hearted conversation that lasted all of a couple of seconds).

Gay boys LIE. I see this happen sooooooo many times. Boy A is with Boy B. Boy A secretly likes Boy B, B just thinks of A as a friend. B sees Boy C out at a party or club and wants him. Goes to friend A for help. Boy A talks shit about Boy C to Boy B ("OMG He's such a dirty slut.") Often times, this goes even farther, when Boy C knows Boy A as well and also solicits his help to meet Boy B. A will say the same thing about B as he said about C. Over time, Boy A will lose his friends over his cock blocking, but it will take time. The problem is, until Boy B learns that gay boys do lie when talking about others, this cock block works well. B is suddenly cold to C, and C has no idea why.

Gay boys have sex just so they can feel guilty about it later

The truth is, guys are going to call you a slut regardless of what you do. You can stop having sex and then be able to try to take the moral high ground as well by pointing that out, but you can't control the attacks. Because, truthfully, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. As my friend Paul reposed reminds me, "Gay boys have sex just so they can feel guilty about it later." This isn't to say that if you're a guy, and not being a slut, you somehow have an unhealthy view of sex. You can have sex as frequently or infrequently as you like, but it shouldn't matter to you how much someone else is having sex. If you truly have a healthy view of sex, it won't offend you if someone else is. If you truly don't have a judgment about sex, it won't matter much. After all, if I see someone who watches too much television, I don't get all pissy and rant about how "so and so watches way too much TV". I might just pass a comment, "yea, he does watch a little too much TV" and move on with my life.

Of glass houses

And let me tell you something about Misters Prim and Proper. I can't tell you the immense sense of satisfaction you will feel walking in on (and hearing stories about others walking in on) them getting fucked at the bottom of a pile of boys. The look of horror and shame on their faces will make up for every guilty feeling you were made to feel by their previous attacks. I won't name names, but believe me, oh, how it happens!

But before you turn around and attack the attacker, understand also that if you didn't have those same guilty feelings, the charge of "slut" wouldn't carry nearly as much strength. It bothers us because it touches on those same feelings. So I say, as much as we're taught to take back the word "fag" and "queer", embrace your slutty side and take it back.

Decision time

So faced with these attacks, you have a choice to make. You can try to become pure and innocent so as to try not to be branded a slut by the few, the proud, and self loathing. Or you can do what you want to do. But choose wisely, and here's a tip: the latter gets to have more sex, because it's hard to have sex and not get your white dress dirty.

Mood: dirrty
Listening to: Christina Aguilera - Dirrty
( Post a new comment )
Daveim_confused on November 15th, 2003 - 03:41 pm

Thank you for this great entry. I only wish I would have read it when I was 18, so I didn't waste so many years being one of those "Misters Prim and Proper." Internalized guilt, jealousy, and anger are no fun at all. ;-)

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The People's Exhibit Adavidology on November 15th, 2003 - 08:10 pm
I wish I hadn't adopted all of that. Maybe if I'd stayed out of the scene. :/
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ShuggaRay: pout?doppelgang18 on November 15th, 2003 - 05:10 pm
Haha, that was great. Now let's hook up.

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The People's Exhibit A: Calvin - deviousdavidology on November 15th, 2003 - 07:57 pm
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cliffsocakid825 on November 15th, 2003 - 06:00 pm
Cliffy Cliff is in 100% agreement.

Nice song choice, ;)
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The People's Exhibit Adavidology on November 15th, 2003 - 07:57 pm
thankya. I hear you're coming out from behind the Orange Curtain. Gonna be at Adam's?
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cliffsocakid825 on November 16th, 2003 - 06:18 pm
No, I will not be there.

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ctmontecristo on November 15th, 2003 - 07:28 pm
Remind me... when were we scheduling that orgy again?
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The People's Exhibit A: Calvin - deviousdavidology on November 15th, 2003 - 07:56 pm

wasn't it appropriately enough for the day before thanksgiving?
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ctmontecristo on November 15th, 2003 - 08:16 pm
Ohhh yeah,

so you could give thanks for getting to get with me!

Very appropriate indeed.
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ex_prezrober685 on November 15th, 2003 - 10:48 pm
Everyday you prove yourself without trying to.

Tomorrow, I cannot wait for.
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The People's Exhibit A: Calvin - happydavidology on November 17th, 2003 - 11:38 am

Coming from you, I consider this high praise indeed. =)
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Gantriochgantrioch on November 16th, 2003 - 11:07 am
Gah, I noticed some of the gay boy cattiness at LVC this weekend. Ugh.
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D a y s p r i n gsextypeboy on November 16th, 2003 - 11:55 am
Eh, I completely agree, and that's why I have selectively few gay friends, because I'm scared of having to deal with all that bullshit.
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cowslayer on November 16th, 2003 - 09:48 pm
As someone whose white dress hasn't been dirtied up yet, I don't quite agree with everything you said because the world is obviously not quite that black and white. I actually have a completely different experience. All of my close friends except for one are very sexually liberated. A while ago I even learned that I have a reputation when, after getting introduced to a stranger, I received an "Oh, you're that guy who never did anything with anybody" hello. Despite of not passing judgment on my friends and in some sense living vicariously through their experiences, I get plenty judged myself. I chose not to have casual sex because I'd rather have lots of sex with one person I am very emotionally intimate with. That's what works for me, that's what I want, that's how I'm wired. Just like I wouldn't force a friend who doesn't like relationships to get hooked to one person only, I should be treated with the same courtesy. I understand that many gay virgins in white dresses are probably just too guilt ridden when it comes to sex or simply too ugly to be able to carry on lifestyle where hookups would be readily available but don't ignore the rest of us who have no issues whatsoever with other peoples sexual choices and are not quite Quasimodos but still choose not to engage in such things.
Leave a little room in your rant for hopeless romantics.
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The People's Exhibit A: FFYR - you never know (my gif)davidology on November 17th, 2003 - 11:36 am

I totally, totally agree with you. My rant was more targetted at the mostly unwitting hypocrites. In no way did I mean to imply that everyone should run out and have casual sex. Rather that everyone should feel free to live his life as he feels appropriate without fear of judgment or branding from others.

My rant was borne out of a conversation with a good friend of mine who was upset at a comment from one of his friends who told him he was getting a reputation. And the only thing he does differently than his accusers is that he's more open about what he does.

The bottom line is that I think we should feel free to be who we want to be, and we should likewise allow others to do so as well. And, for the record, since I didn't address it in my rant, I have no issue with your choice and fully respect it.
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cowslayer on November 17th, 2003 - 01:16 pm
Just checking. =)
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northern ladmouschi on January 1st, 2004 - 07:43 am
Very very well written! Thanks for sticking up for the hopeless romantics.
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cowslayer on January 7th, 2004 - 06:55 pm
No problem. But it's selfish, really, since I'm sticking up for myself.
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driftwoodsun on November 16th, 2003 - 09:50 pm
Here! Here!
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Sethucpsychguy on November 18th, 2003 - 09:37 pm
I just realized....
as I was looking through the comments that I never actually wrote my own. Der. Thanks babe. Really means a lot to me :) You're a saint....without the white robe. Fuck white. Oh wait, maybe not the White Party but white anywhere else is a problem ;)
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Blissfully Aware: hurt me babykerfect on December 30th, 2003 - 03:49 pm don't know me, I just served on to here through a friend of a friend and so on...

The thing is, I'm intimately familiar with the WeHo scene, although being a straight female, I got to admit, my status here is that of an outsider. But I see how my friends act and how their boyfriends act, and I've been dying for someone to sum up the situation as well as you have. Bravo!
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The People's Exhibit Adavidology on December 30th, 2003 - 11:11 pm
Thanks... and love your icon!
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Blissfully Awarekerfect on December 31st, 2003 - 12:14 am
thanks. I hope you don't mind, I friended you.
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Zack: MSSboardman on January 3rd, 2004 - 05:56 am
I like to consider myslef a Slut without a willing partner. :o)

(well written LJ by the way )
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Drop the Light!tigerroars on February 18th, 2004 - 08:25 pm
that was very good and very well thought out. Maybe you should have been talk with laura bush.
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