June 18th, 2008



Playing Grand Theft Auto IV, I've avoided a couple of the side missions—one being fraking around on the GTA internet. Well, now that I scored a safehouse that has a computer, I started wasting some time and came across an ad for KRAPEA.com (a fake in-game website).

Apparently, someone at Rockstar may not be a fan of a company that may or may not have be similar to IKEA and full on mother fucking lulz are the result. I had to share some of this brilliance and retyped two pages of it to give you a taste (yes, there are actually several more pages you have to check out). I'm going to have to spend more time on the "internet" in the game. And if you have the game (you should), you should totes check out the random links when ur on the web.

Anywho, here it is. (For the record, I actually like IKEA, but I can totally relate.)




We locate all our stores in places that are really difficult to get to, preferably with access routes that are particularly prone to heavy congestion. Just keep your eye out for a windowless metal box the size of an airport. If you enjoy the third-world experience of traveling with 200 people on a 40-seater bus, some cities also offer a shuttle service. We recommend that you bring a change of clothing. You will be away from home for a couple of days. It will make you melancholy for many reasons.


Once inside the store, pick up a pair of shin-pads and throw any small children into the pit of plastic balls by the entrance. Teach them that the human soul lives in isolation, as all Swedes know. Now you're ready for the labyrinth. No windows, no clocks, no cell phone reception. As soon as you step through those revolving doors, you are plunged into a time vacuum where day and night no longer apply. And we have gotten rid of the sun, just like in Sweden.

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