"there i am standing all alone
on sydney harbor bridge
and you know i would jump into the fucking ocean
if it meant i was truly capable
of being satisfied"
I've been in a great mood the past couple of days, and been really looking forward to this weekend. I've even gotten my work out back on schedule and even been doing pilates nightly.
But today, somewhere around 3:30, I just crashed. All of a sudden I was down. It was abrupt as fuck. There I was, only a couple hours from the freedom of my long weekend. I thought it might pass quickly as the workday neared its end. But it's still here. Blah
Of course, this could just be a normal bump, "time of the month" sort of thing. It feels like more. I think that often, depression is your subconscious' way of telling you that you're not dealing with something, and you've avoided it long enough (sort of a biological circuit breaker). To be sure, this has been an emotionally rough week.
I've considered that this could be left overs from my grandmother nearly dying. I think it was the first time I truly realized that I might not have all the time I think I do to get over my issues and tear down this wall. My emotionally distancing myself from my family out of my own fear of rejection isn't fair to them and isn't fair to me. You think you have all the time in the world to fix things.
And this week was a giant
slap in the face
kick in the nuts testament to that reality. We don't have forever. I should be thankful that my grandmother is still alive and cherish the time that I can spend with her.
I guess I'll lie down for a few minutes. Hopefully my mood will improve so I can call Paul and get this long weekend started.