December 1st, 2003

scream, blah

Great Expectorations

I just ate mold.

Not on purpose, of course. No one told me deserts can go bad in the refrigerator — at least not in a month! I mean I over cook my meats and use countless utensils to avoid any contamination. I won't eat leftovers left in the fridge for 3 days, but anything without an expiration date is fair game! I expect things to be clearly labeled for all their dangers. After all, I live in a society where household cleansers come with warnings not to drink them. I expect no less from my food.

Anywho, I found the wonderful torte I forgot about that was sitting in the back of my fridge. There was only a little piece of it. But it's tall, and the piece left small. After I'd taken several bites, and the multi-layered delicacy toppled over, I noticed something — a color that I don't remember being in my technicolored dreamcake: green.

At first, I tried to calm myself down. After all, I'm constantly overanalyzing breads and other things that I show to my roommate John for approval before I'll ingest them. Despite his usual insistence that I can remove the contaminated pieces and eat the rest, I refuse. If one piece of bread has a spot, the whole loaf goes in the garbage.

After a bit of denial (and the urge to spit a lot), I decided to look at one of the pieces under a lamp. After all, maybe I just didn't notice this spice. The green was furry. I gagged. There was also white furry, which could have been whipped cream for all I know. I could no longer deny this.


What could have caused this? I don't know. The green furries seemed to like the almonds. I have a container filled with cashews that I've had for a month in my closet that are still good. I think there might be cream cheese. I know John has made desserts with cream cheese.I don't know what the hell cream cheese is exactly. I assume it contains cheese. I've had Kraft singles in my fridge for months before with no problem. For Christ's sake, cheese is a mold!

Panic-striken, I ran to Google. Frantically searching around, I tried to learn what one should do if they've ingested bad cake. You know, that's not as easy as you might think (I did quickly learn, however, that cream cheese has a surprisingly very short life span). I found a book from Poison Control (which is located here, in case you're interested). The PDF has a bit of information on preventing food poisoning, but not on what to do if you'd just stupidly eaten mold. But at least now I had someone to call. Their advice: wait it out and contact a doctor if it lasted more than 24 hours. I've had food poisoning before. This wasn't what I wanted to hear.

Maybe I could throw up?

I ran to try to find the Ipecac Syrup my mom had sent me years ago to have on hand (which does, btw, have an expiration date — 8/98). I don't like vomitting anyway, so back to googling. I found a few sites that suggested: goldenseal extract, charcoal tablets, and eating garlic — evidentally the sulfur in garlic helps kills the toxins or something (go figure). I ran to Whole Foods.

I drank a dropper full of Goldenseal (which tastes about as good as it sounds, btw), and swallowed six charcoal tablets. I quickly made four slices of garlic bread with enough garlic to keep vampies and everyone else away for several days. I put the oven on "broil", and, with the help of guardianmonkey, determined that the drawer beneath the oven was probably the broiler and not just storage (we're still not totally sure, but the bread did seem to cook).

Now the waiting begins

I have to take several more doses of Goldenseal and charcoal over the next 24 hours. The only thing I know for certain at this point is that between the mold or the ridiculously strong garlic bread I ate, something is going to be exploding out of my ass. But with any luck, I hopefully won't be writhing on the floor of the bathroom as well.

Well, here's to hope, holistic medicine, and a can of Lysol.
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