The People's Exhibit A (davidology) wrote,
The People's Exhibit A

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Beyoncé ganked my teeth

Okay, well maybe not exactly. But because of her, someone else did.

After months, I finally picked up my teeth bleaching kit that I got fitted for after using that coupon I received for volunteering at GLAAD months ago. Now, per the instructions you have to set aside at least several days during which you are willing to stay away from anything that could stain your teeth—including tea, soda, and coffee.

Coffee, I have covered. I can't handle even the smell of the coffee–flavored Jelly Bellies much less drinking it. Soda and iced tea, on the other hand, is an issue. There was never going to be a good time, so I finally decided to just go for it.

Houston, we have a problem

The instructions were sparse, but I've fit larger objects in my mouth, so how hard could it be? Try as I might, however, this outline of "my" teeth was not complying. I tried soaking them in hot water, stretching them, as well as putting them in and biting down really quickly. That seemed to work, but since I was supposed to wear them in my sleep, unless I could spontaneously give myself lock jaw, this wasn't going to work.

A few days would pass before I decided, "Well, maybe I didn't try ____." Of course, I had, but "maybe" I hadn't, so I tried again (and with the same result, of course).

Finally, I decided to call the dentist. "Oh, we think we mixed up your mold with another patient's. We have yours here." Putting aside for a moment my germaphobia and the thoughts of someone trying to do with his mold that I was doing with mine, I decided I'd still go collect the spawn of my teeth.

Since I was flying yesterday and not working, I decided I'd turn my leisurely ride to LAX into a harried affair by hitting up the dentist on my way out. I was a bit annoyed when I showed up, mostly because I thought it was pretty unprofessional of a doctor's office to mix up a patient's records much less sanitary things he is going to place in one of his orrifice's.

When I arrived, the nurse quickly apologized, saying that Beyoncé was in the office that day, and it was "just a little crazy." I guess I should be relieved she hadn't shown up at the maternity ward at Cedars Sinai, but I can't say I felt comfortable sticking these foreign objects which had left their control (despite that I was assured they had been sanitized) into my mouth. I contemplated asking for a new set, but I didn't relish the thought of pushing my gag reflex to its limits again and letting them pour that goup into my mouth a second time.

I quickly grabbed my set and ran home so I could catch my ride to the airport (which I was now late for). Fortunately, my cab driver was a maniac and we got there faster than a fundamentalist to a freeway underpass with a water stain.

Anyway, I now have my teeth molds, and had I known how easily they were supposed to fit into place, I wouldn't probably have destroyed the other person's set trying to force them them in. Sadly, I guess he'll need to get refitted. I can only hope his gag reflex is better than mine.

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