All goes smoothly until the end.
INT. COMCAST OFFICE
Idiot Comcast Employee: Where's the other modem? It says here you have two cable modems.
Me: No, just one leased one. We bought a replacement some time ago, but didn't have the time to return it yet. Maybe that's the modem you're seeing on the account.
ICE: You're going to have to bring that modem in so we can inspect it to prove that it's not ours.
M: Are you kidding? I bought that modem from Best Buy. It's not yours. Why should I be inconvenienced due to your mistake. Besides, it's a Toshiba modem. I don't even think you use those.
ICE: It doesn't say what brand here. We need to see proof that modem is not ours.
M: We've had a $180 per month account with you for over 3 years. I'm not disconnecting the modem and coming all the way out here again to show it to you because your company didn't record it correctly. I'm sorry if your company screwed up the account records, but this isn't my problem, and I'm not paying for service beyond today.
ICE: Your service charges will stop today, but we will assess you a $100 fee if you don't bring the modem in.
M: Well, you can assess all the fees you want, but I'm not paying any more than what I owe you for 1/2 this month's service. The most I might be willing to do is fax you my receipt, assuming I can find it.
ICE: That will be fine. I'll give you our fax number.
(As she's completing the paperwork, a light bulb goes off.)
M: Actually, if you look on the account, you'll see we were only charged one lease charge for one modem, and an additional fee for an additional IP. If we had two modems, we would have at least been charged another leasing fee, and probably another internet charge instead of the extra IP. That proves it was my modem. You wouldn't have given us an extra modem without charging us for it.
IDIOT EMPLOYEE TYPES ON KEYBOARD. SHE LOOKS SURPRISED AND ENLIGHTENED BY WHAT SHE SEES.
Announcer: [CLICK] Houston, we have comprehension. [CLICK]
ICE: Hmm... Oh, you're right. You were only being charged one modem fee.
IDIOT EMPLOYEE CONTINUES TO LOOK AT SCREEN, TYPES A FEW CHARACTERS FOR ABOUT 5 SECONDS. HER DEMEANOR RETURNS TO NORMAL.
ICE: ...but you're still going to have to bring the modem in or show us a receipt for proof.
Me: *HEAD EXPLODES*
I kept waiting for MTV's Boiling Points team to come out, let me off the hook, and hand me $100 at this point.
I think Comcast must be hiring people who were fired from the DMV.