recumbentI've tried everything. I avoided the Diet Caffeine Free Coke and chose the cans of Mug Root Beer. I've drank glass upon glass of iced tea, so much in fact, a flash flood watch was introduced the last time I went to the bathroom. Nothing seemed to be perking me up. I couldn't understand it.
In search of another pick me up, I went to the fridge and noticed an open can of Mug. I pulled it out to pour into a glass over ice, and that's when I saw it. Perhaps I missed it before due to the lack of caffeine coursing through my veins, but there it was: CAFFEINE FREE emblazoned the top of the can. I put the can back, deciding to make some tea instead.
In the pantry I found the box of iced tea bags. As I grabbed it, the green "naturally decaffeinated" banner mocked me as I slumped to the floor with a cry of "Noooo!"
I was beaten. There was no caffeine to be had, and all my attempts at self-caffeination over the past couple of days were failures. Suddenly I knew the reason for my lethargy. This house has been decaffeinated, and like Andy Dick at Promises, my body is in a state of shock and going through withdrawals. My faculties are waning. I can't believe the misspellings and inability to focus. I need a caffeine fix. Badly.
Popeye needs his Spinach, and I need my soda. Somebody, please sneak in a Dr. Pepper.
