I've been dragging for the past few days. By 1 in the afternoon, I still can't get up. During the day, I'm pulling my legs behind me. I've been napping every day. It was bizarre. Certainly, a 2 hour difference wouldn't make me jet lagged, and definitely not for this long. I chalked it up to boredom, but this felt beyond boredom.

I've tried everything. I avoided the Diet Caffeine Free Coke and chose the cans of Mug Root Beer. I've drank glass upon glass of iced tea, so much in fact, a flash flood watch was introduced the last time I went to the bathroom. Nothing seemed to be perking me up. I couldn't understand it.

In search of another pick me up, I went to the fridge and noticed an open can of Mug. I pulled it out to pour into a glass over ice, and that's when I saw it. Perhaps I missed it before due to the lack of caffeine coursing through my veins, but there it was: CAFFEINE FREE emblazoned the top of the can. I put the can back, deciding to make some tea instead.

In the pantry I found the box of iced tea bags. As I grabbed it, the green "naturally decaffeinated" banner mocked me as I slumped to the floor with a cry of "Noooo!"

I was beaten. There was no caffeine to be had, and all my attempts at self-caffeination over the past couple of days were failures. Suddenly I knew the reason for my lethargy. This house has been decaffeinated, and like Andy Dick at Promises, my body is in a state of shock and going through withdrawals. My faculties are waning. I can't believe the misspellings and inability to focus. I need a caffeine fix. Badly.

Popeye needs his Spinach, and I need my soda. Somebody, please sneak in a Dr. Pepper.