We all know who I'm talking about here. The guy (or girl) in your class who, when the professor was about to let everyone out early, has 5 more of her stupid questions she's been asking all day long. Your 15 minute early release turns into 2 minutes late. I think it is our duty to abort these people at the collegiate level. These are the people who are too dumb to be in society—not because they have trouble grasping the quadratic equation, but because they don't realize it. And here, my peeps, is where the real problem is. Because these people turn into the problems of tomorrow.

You know the type: the guy who takes a full 5 minutes at the ATM machine. I've been stuck behind this guy far too many times. Seriously, I can make 2 deposits, 1 withdrawal, tie my shoe, check my hair in the little mirror, and drum a Brand New tune on the machine in the same time it takes him to make one simple withdrawal. But that's not what finally pushed me over the edge this time. After all, the bank more or less forces you to use ATMs—even the mentally challenged.

The problem is, this is also the same guy who insists on using the self checkout line at the market.

Sir (or ma'am), there are 15 other checkout lines with perfectly (ok, well, mostly capable) union cashiers ready and willing to help you. When it takes you six... SIX (yes, I counted them) minutes to figure out how to pay, you should realize that self checkout might not be for you. I watched you stare blankly at the machine for what must have been a minute between each step, while I delicately balanced the three 12-packs of soda in my hands. Then after you finally left, as I approached the machine, you even came back to take another look, just to confirm you were through. Trust me, YOU ARE THROUGH! I would have thrown a 12 pack on your head if you'd so much as touched that machine again.

It's not just that you're dumb, but it's that you're not even cute to look at. If you were cute, it might be all right. But you bring nothing to this!

But I digress...

Although the rest of us are shocked that you can manage to put your pants on in the morning without getting trapped and needing to call firefighters to extricate you, it's that you don't even realize your limitations. I understand that you don't get things. We all have our limits, I don't try to perform surgery on people. But do you have to make the entire class sit there for 15 extra minutes because you can't accept that True and False are always False? Or because you can't figure out that you don't have a savings account, so the answer is always "FROM YOUR CHECKING." Repeat after me: "FROM... YOUR... CHECKING." Or that using self checkout doesn't save you any time, and that confused look on your face isn't cute.

Society recognizes there are people like you out there. It's the whole reason we have full service gas pumps. So, for the love of god, stop trying to use the self service aisles! You don't know what you're doing, and you're either going to hurt yourself, or the rest of us are going to kill you. Seriously, in class, we were all plotting how we'd kill you if you asked one more question. In hindsight, we should have. Because now, you're still out there screwing with our lives!