Feb. 13th, 2004
Bricks  
"there i am standing all alone
on sydney harbor bridge
and you know i would jump into the fucking ocean
if it meant i was truly capable
of being satisfied"

I've been in a great mood the past couple of days, and been really looking forward to this weekend. I've even gotten my work out back on schedule — and even been doing pilates nightly.

But today, somewhere around 3:30, I just crashed. All of a sudden I was down. It was abrupt as fuck. There I was, only a couple hours from the freedom of my long weekend. I thought it might pass quickly as the workday neared its end. But it's still here. Blah

Of course, this could just be a normal bump, "time of the month" sort of thing. It feels like more. I think that often, depression is your subconscious' way of telling you that you're not dealing with something, and you've avoided it long enough (sort of a biological circuit breaker).

To be sure, this has been an emotionally rough week.

I've considered that this could be left overs from my grandmother nearly dying. I think it was the first time I truly realized that I might not have all the time I think I do to get over my issues and tear down this wall. My emotionally distancing myself from my family out of my own fear of rejection isn't fair to them — and isn't fair to me. You think you have all the time in the world to fix things.

You don't.

And this week was a giant slap in the face kick in the nuts testament to that reality. We don't have forever. I should be thankful that my grandmother is still alive and cherish the time that I can spend with her.

I guess I'll lie down for a few minutes. Hopefully my mood will improve so I can call Paul and get this long weekend started.
 
 
Mood: depressed
Listening to: The Ataris - Beautiful Mistake
 
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